becoming a spiritual bitch again

on re-discovering what actually works.

I often say my gateway into the world of “spirituality” began with Percy Jackson. Not only was he my first fictional crush as a ten year old — who doesn’t love a boy with dark hair and sea green eyes — but the books sparked within me a deep fascination with Greek Mythology. The gods and goddesses, their archetypes and themes, are so rich with meaning and are still culturally significant thousands of years later, inspiring art and philosophy alike. There is a deep correlation between Greek Mythology and astrology — the planets are named after the gods, and if you understand the gods, you can intuit the astrological meanings of the planets. I was always flipping to horoscopes at the back of magazines and newspapers, reading closely what the cosmos had in store for me as a Gemini. They were vague and homogenized, but I was interested nonetheless. 

In high school, I learnt more about astrology, reading the books my mum had lying around the house and staying up late on Tumblr scrolling through astro blogs. I would ask for my friend’s birth data and give them mini readings despite them never asking nor retaining any of it. When a group of us would go out partying together, they would blast the song ‘Caroline’ on repeat as they would turn to me and scream: “don’t want to hear about ya horoscope or what the future holds,” and I would laugh, slightly embarrassed, because I was that bitch.

Fast forward several years later, I discovered Human Design, which is basically just astrology on crack. Whilst initially I was into the spiritualized version of Human Design, eventually I stumbled my way into a more radical iteration of the system, ditching Jenna Zoe for Ra Uru Hu. 

There is a tenant in the “hardcore” Human Design spaces to be adverse to anything remotely spiritual or esoteric. Everything is deduced logically and practically — there is no room for the fluffiness of the New Age. Arguably, this was the influence of Ra on the system, which bled into the entire Human Design culture. He was an existential nihilist, and so we all became existential nihilists too.

I began to dismiss every other modality, teaching, or system I had experimented with prior. I used to be a crystal loving, astrology obsessed, Kundalini praying, manifestation girlie. But I abandoned ship. I swapped out pink for black. 

In essence, I traded one identity for another. Spirituality was lame and “seven-centered” (the ultimate insult used by Human Design fanatics). Instead, I declared myself part of the chosen “4% of the 4%”, cultivating my own superiority complex where any kind of spiritual practice or alternative modality was beneath me.

But much to my surprise — over the last year and a half — some of these practices and concepts have been returning, without ever consciously “deciding” to begin again. I found my body reaching for daily movement in the form of yoga. I found I began to crave meditation as a way to empty out my thoughts, doubts, and insecurities.

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Whilst I used to proselytize that Human Design was the *only* system of truth (absolutism being one of the core signs of cults), I began to realize there are seeds of truth in almost everything I had studied before. In true third line fashion, I took many systems to the extreme to find out what doesn’t work. Only now am I discovering what actually does. 

Below are two concepts / practices I’ve been playing with again recently.

Manifestation

Manifestation, in my current understanding, is how the world reflects back to us our internal state, through the people, experiences, opportunities we meet in life. We all inhabit our own tiny universe; we see life through the lens of our own particular bubble.

We manifest who we are and what we believe we deserve. Whatever subconscious programming you have running underneath the surface is going to influence your behaviors, reactions, and decisions. If the subconscious is what attempts to keep you safe, then anything that doesn’t fit within your current beliefs or identity is something you are going to reject.

Everything is ✨EnErGy✨. I know it’s a phrase so overused in spiritual lingo that I can’t help but roll my eyes whenever it’s uttered. But it’s true. Your energy affects matter. Likewise, everything and everyone in your life takes up energetic space — some of those things are aligned and correct, others are actually blocking prosperity (or flow) from coming through.

I don’t know if I will ever be writing lists again but I can feel in my body what I truly desire for myself, the life I want to live. I spent the last several years ignoring that feeling and shutting it down, telling myself it was wrong, that it was just my “not-self” mind.

But how do we choose our desires? Where do they originate from?

You don’t choose them. If they are real and stem from your soul — the part of you which is intangible, non-atomic, what you can’t explain — then you were born with them. They are specific and unique to you.

The more centered I feel in my own field of energy, the more I am a clear vessel for what wants to come through in my life. I might not get to decide how things show up or what it looks like when it arrives, but I can choose to be myself as radically as possible. In Human Design terms, this is the same as following your inner authority. It is not a mental process; it’s an energetic and intuitive one.

Kundalini Yoga

I used to have a very mentally rigid routine when it came to yoga. I never wanted to miss a day of practice, for fear it would erase all my “progress” and cause my life to suddenly fall apart. I eventually became so burnt out I stopped practicing altogether.

When I remade the bond with Kundalini last year, I approached it differently. I found I wanted to practice and that it no longer felt like an obligation. I was more sensitive to the way it made me feel in my body; I was no longer focused on an outcome or specific “result”. I began to enjoy the process.

What I have learnt from meditation and yoga is that the teaching itself is seeded in the practice. It should not be something you blindly follow because it’s in vogue, another box to check off your productivity list. If that’s the case for you, I would consider taking space and questioning how your value is tied to any external practice.

Practicing Kundalini, for me, shifts energy. That’s all it does.

It feels as if I have stepped under a cold waterfall. My thoughts feel clearer, my energy feels cleaner, and I show up differently when these things happen.

The mind really is the root of all our neuroses. It attempts to interfere in the natural direction our life is mean to take. It draws from your previous experiences (including trauma) and creates a narrative about who you believe yourself to be — “I am this way because X happened to me when I was a child, a teenager, a young person in my 20s. This is who I am and I cannot change it.” If you can deal with your own mental bullshit — through whatever methods have proven to work for you personally — you open up a clear pathway. The way forward appears on it’s own.

Isn’t that what Human Design is trying to teach us? That the mind is truly the only thing which is fucking up our lives by trying to take the driver’s seat?

As the saying goes, bodies don’t wake up — mind’s do. When perception is distorted, our frequency is distorted. Yoga is a physical movement practice that can alter and change your thought forms. The etymology of the word literally means “to yoke” or “to unite”, aka, to unite body and mind. The mind might not always be completely on board with what is happening in your life, but we can learn to quiet the noise, to become the observer, and develop the strength to listen to the body even when fear comes up surrounding the unknown.

Tools in the Tool Belt

Any practice, modality, or system you find helpful are just tools in the tool belt, including Human Design. When you take a dogmatic approach to any of these teachings, it becomes unhealthy.

Everyone may have a different set of tools which have proven to work for them personally. There is not one door or method that works for everyone — there are many, and often they are getting at the same thing. Sometimes it just takes a lot of trial and error. Sometimes you have to break the bond with a practice and return back to it years later, to gage whether it has any true practical value.

It’s hard to define the term “spirituality” in this current age, as it increasingly refers to an identity or product someone can purchase from the multibillion dollar wellness industry. But perhaps we can re-define the term as any practice which gets you in touch with your spirit — the part of you which has remained with your all your life, the part of you that you can’t explain or quantify. It’s your essence; it’s your unique fingerprint. You don’t have to pay anyone to come to know it — only you can learn how to feel the individual frequency of your spirit.

Everything I have experimented with up until this point has yielded value, even if it was just discovering it wasn’t right for me. I was a girl who used to think she could talk to trees, who used to be mystified by what we can’t explain through rationality alone (I have never been a logical person, thanks Pisces moon).

If the material world is just an illusion, the perception we hold in our mind’s eye, then how can we say there is nothing spiritual about being alive? To experience consciousness in form?

We are not just our bodies. We have a field of energy around us (our aura). We have something which animates us from the inside out which goes beyond our organs and biological processes. You can call it the Personality Crystal or you could call it the Soul.

Perhaps it is the wisdom of the Undefined Ajna to grasp there is no certainty to be found in any singular concept or idea. There is a fluidity in understanding there are multiple versions of the truth; there is no one way of living that is “right” or “wrong”.

You get to make up the rules. You get to define your life by your own terms.

If becoming a spiritual bitch helps you to realize this, then by all means, pick up the crystals again. No one is judging you except yourself, and maybe the Human Design community. Oh well. You can’t please ‘em all.

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side notes

• I’m really enjoying sending out Quad-Right Voice Notes, where you send a specific question about Human Design, your chart, or your experiment and I respond with a ~15 minute voice memo.

• Also experimenting with a longer version, a ~30 minute audio recording where I introduce you to Human Design, what it means to begin the experiment, and share what stands out to me about your unique chart. More info here.

• Reading: Reality Transurfing. I listened to the audio book but I might have to purchase a physical copy because it said some profound shit I’m still contemplating.

• Eating: all the pastries from work. Blueberry and goats cheese scone? yes pleaseeeeee.

• Obsessed: with Fall. With the leaves turning orange and the crisp morning air. With October and the houses in all-out Halloween decor. Autumn sucks in Australia. Fall? She’s a different creature here in the States.