It’s obvious as children that we are very connected to our desires.
“I like this.”
“I don’t like this.”
“I WANT this.”
“UggHHH I DON’T want this.”
A child easily points towards the toys or material items they want, and turns away from what they don’t want.
Even when it comes to food — they know when they’re hungry, they know when they are full. They will literally spit out a food they do not like. One of my earliest memories is my dad trying to feed me peaches (or some kind of fruit) with ice-cream, and me throwing the biggest tantrum because I didn’t want to eat it (the fruit, of course).
In general, most children are in-tune with their preferences, likes, and dislikes. A child is not willingly going to put themselves through something they do not want do, until it becomes a learned and conditioned behavior. Until the child learns they will get rewarded for it.
(of course, I’m not a parent — I have no idea what it takes to raise a child. Obviously, a child cannot always receive what they want at all times, especially if it compromises the parent’s wellbeing or financial resources.)
As a child grows up, however, they often lose this instinctual connection to their desires.
We are programmed by our families, school, society, peers, media, religion to believe we cannot have what we want. We cannot listen to our desires. We may have even been taught that "desire is bad” — even eastern religions preach that desire and attachment to the material world is the “root of all suffering.”
We eventually tell ourselves our desires don’t matter.
We shove them in a box. We condition ourselves to desire what we are taught we “should” want, what makes logical, practical, and moral sense.
And this isn’t just in relation to material objects — I’m talking about our desire for life, for purpose, for meaningful experiences.
Over the last seven years, I became a hardcore minimalist. In 2018, I challenged myself to a year of not buying any new clothes (thrifting being the exception). Naturally, I began to shop less. I framed it as a moral choice — consumerism = bad. Bad for the environment, bad ethically for factory workers, bad for my wallet.
I got so good at this no-shopping habit that I could literally walk into any store today and walk out with nothing. EVEN IF I found something I truly desired, wanted, or needed.
I would tell myself —
“I don’t really need it…”
“I could use that money on something more practical.”
“That’s too expensive.”
“If I want still want it tomorrow, I’ll come back.”
None of these phrases are particularly bad. But truthfully, I really DID need the thing, or I had the money to buy it, or I was delaying a decision because I knew most likely by tomorrow I wouldn’t be bothered to return to the store.
I am very skilled at depriving myself of material objects. Case in point: I have lived in my place for nearly nine months now, and still have no couch, no furniture, no decorations, no plants, no decor. I am practically a squatter in my own home (just about hitting my breaking point now though).
As I got deeper into Human Design, I disconnected even further from my desires. I lost my sense of direction, purpose, motivation, believing that any choice I made that didn’t come through invitation first as a “projector” was just my “mind.” I gaslit myself into believing I should be happy with “what is.” I told myself — which was reflected back through the people I was surrounded by — that my desire for more out of life was just an illusion. This can’t be it, I repeated to myself often. It took me so long to admit I wasn’t even enjoying my own life. I learnt to tolerate it.
I fully abandoned my desires.
And in doing so, I fully abandoned myself.
I felt like I was becoming smaller and smaller in my own existence.
I wanted to hide.
My self-esteem was being flushed down the toilet.
In a recent acupuncture session, as I was laying on the table, a vision came to mind. I was locked in pitch black room, no doors, water up to my shins, and I was screaming at the top of my lungs. I believe this was the part of my soul I abandoned during this time — I turned away from her, I didn’t listen to her, I left her alone in the darkness screaming for help.
(hesitating to write this here because I KNOW it’s heavy, it’s dramatic… it brings tears to my eyes to write about it. But I was sobbing on that acupuncture table with gratitude, that I get to reclaim that part of myself and finally listen to what she had to say. To integrate these disparate parts I abandoned, to put myself back together and feel whole again. To acknowledge my needs, wants, and desires again. The acupuncture sessions have been allowing me to process the grief I had stored over the last several years… when the nervous system can finally relax, the body can process what we never gave ourselves space to feel in the past.)
Publishing that article on the Cult-Like Behavior in Human Design exorcised something out me. I think it finally closed the door on that chapter of my life. I feel complete. I am done.
So now I find myself in a strange place. I’m realizing… I have no idea what I want.
When for so long you have suppressed your desires, it’s quite a process to reconnect with that part of yourself. To essentially, reconnect with my inner child who was resolute in what she wanted, liked, and disliked.
Honestly, I miss shopping.
I miss buying myself brand-new-clothes which excite me and feel like me.
I miss buying trinkets and quirky objects that I have an affinity for.
I miss having a bedroom that feels exactly like an expression of who I am.
I miss enjoying and indulging in the material world.
And why else are we here? If not to enjoy our bodies, to allow ourselves to feel pleasure, fun, joy, and experience whatever this world has to offer up to us? How can we deny the reality of our 3D existence and proclaim “it doesn’t matter?” It’s temporary and fleeting and precious — why do we waste it away being miserable?
Children know this. Children know the wonder-like enthusiasm and joy that comes with experiencing the world with fresh eyes and desires, before they were conditioned to throw it all away.
As I am in this rediscovery phase of finding out what I want, a good place to start — says the self-help gurus, which is actually very helpful — is to get clear on everything you DO NOT want.
If the last several years of my life taught me anything, it’s shown me the depths of what I do not want for myself and out of life. The contrast provides clarity. Slowly, the fire of desire can be rekindled.
Whilst I have no idea what I want to do in a larger existential sense — “career” be damned — I am noticing the breadcrumbs of desires and wants that are presenting themselves to me. I want a couch, I want a car, I want a new wardrobe. I want a haircut, I want a tattoo, I want plants, I want a cat (not sure how this last one will happen, as my landlord has a strict no-pets policy, but my desire is there nonetheless).
Maybe, it’s following these smaller desires which lead to a life worth living. I think I’ve spent so long thinking about these larger existential questions when perhaps the answer is simply… follow your desires. Follow what feels good. Get clear on what doesn’t feel good. Learn your likes, dislikes, and preferences.
Essentially, discover who you are. Or perhaps, the real journey is reclaiming the part of you who already knows.
Omg I feel like what we both wrote yesterday aligns in a way!!! I love that you are re-connecting with desire and I have a feeling so much will open up for you 🩷 And I feel you on living in a place and not decorating or getting furniture. Since we move so often I made a commitment to myself to ALWAYS unpack AND decorate first thing because I know how good I feel if I do it even if it’s “temporary”. I remember one time I was watching someone’s story and she hired some people to hang up some massive bright neon pink lights in her apartment even though she was moving in like 4 weeks!!!! And I remember thinking - holy shit…I need to be living my life this way…like indulging in the present moment at all times. I have been really practicing to buy the sweet treat when I want…to only buy things I am OBSESSED with and if it’s not a fully body yes it’s a no…but the cool thing about doing this is every time I do so, money flows in immediately. Yesterday I had a chaotic day and at night I was like fuck this, I need to chill. So I went out and bought myself goodies at the store and treated myself to my favorite Thai soup. and immediately after I had a notification that my 2 most abundant 1:1 clients wanted to speak with me (like trust fund babies who talk like to talk to me daily but for some reason haven’t been online in weeks). Anyways - I am VERY excited for you and what this NEW path will unfold for you 🌊
I’m going through the same realisations! And funny enough most of the YouTube I’ve been watching is about personal style and interior decorating. Fave channels I recommend on these - Ellie Jean Royden for style (also reading her book atm!) and Caroline Winkler for interiors 🩷 it’s so fun to explore my own taste in things!