The Power of Self-Compassion

being kind to yourself is an important life skill, actually.

I remember one of the first sessions I ever had with a therapist. It was the end of 2018, and I was going through a particularly hard time. As I sat blubbering and crying in incoherent sentences to the woman who sat in front of me, she handed me a booklet to read when I left her office — it was called The Power of Self-Compassion.

(I actually have no idea if it was titled that — but I do know it was about cultivating self-compassion.)

It is a subject which appears to be everywhere in the age of self-help and therapy speak, but at the same time — in my opinion — not truly understood.

After all, it’s considered cool to be self-deprecating, to make jokes at your own expense. We bond over shared trauma and our extreme dislike over ourselves and our lives. We think it’s what makes us relatable. As backwards as this sounds, I think it subconsciously makes us feel better than other people — “of course they’re happy, successful, and have an amazing life. But I’m different. I’m special in my suffering. Being happy is cringe and lame. It’s boring.”

I’ve laughed at various versions of this meme throughout the years. it now makes me feel sad.

Truth be told, I’ve been addicted to my own suffering for most of my 20s. It feels familiar and cosy, like a warm, suffocating embrace. I would get triggered by people who shared online how much they “loved their lives,” because it made me so consciously aware that I didn’t love mine. The automatic reaction was then to make fun of myself as a way to justify my very real pain and hurt, instead of actually looking in the mirror to confront it head-on.

Self-compassion is a practice. It’s also a skill and tool that will make your life a lot easier if you begin to implement it.

I believe it is a form of finding relief. Sammi, author of Miracle Zone, talks about it beautifully in this article.

When something challenging presents itself in your life, or you worry about a particular outcome coming to fruition, or you’ve broken some kind of self-imposed rule for yourself, or you just find you’re having a bit of a shit day — it’s easy to reach for the inner critic. Your inner critic is a ruthless bully. They tell you why you’re a piece of trash, having the receipts and list of reasons at the ready as to why you are not worthy of love, certainly not of self-compassion. You take it without question. You accept it as truth, set in stone. You tell them you will try harder to do and be better. You think that this level of brutal honesty — which is actually just meanness — will motivate you to change for good.

It is in these particular moments when self-compassion and finding relief is needed the most. Not more berating. Not more army-level-sergeant whiplash.

For the last month, I’ve been on a protocol set by a naturopath with the aim to improve my sleep. Honestly, I haven’t adhered to it perfectly. I am someone who has always had very high expectations of myself. I tend to jump into new things with gusto and enthusiasm, wanting to do it perfectly to the best of my abilities. And whilst none of these qualities are a bad thing in isolation, and are often needed when beginning a new routine or habit, it can sometimes backfire when you don’t meet the bar you set for yourself — which honestly, is most of the time.

After a particular slip-up, I could feel my thoughts wanting to spiral down a familiar line. You could’ve, you should’ve, you would’ve. As the thoughts compile upon each other, I begin to feel worse. Then the next time I inevitably slip-up, I feel worse again.

But this time I caught myself. I felt a shift. A slight shift, but still a significant improvement.

Instead of trodding down the familiar set of neural pathways, I told myself — it’s okay.

I reached for a sense of relief. I reached for the golden, healing balm of self-compassion.

Slipping-up does not make me a bad person.

Slipping-up has nothing to do with my self-worth or deservingness for health, vitality, and prosperity in my life.

And I realized, for the first time, that the Power of Self-Compassion is what allows us to keep going. When you fall off the bandwagon of a particular new habit, or you do something you *think* you shouldn’t be doing, or if you massively fail at a new endeavor or project you set your sights to, what encourages you to pick yourself back up and try again is self-compassion.

I believe this is what builds resiliency.

Perfectionism, at it’s core, is built on a shaky foundation ready to be blown down at any moment.

But self-compassion can be rooted in the bone-marrow of your being.

Self-compassion is what allows you to remain open, curious, and able to see possibilities and new solutions.

It’s what allows you to take everything in as data to help inform your future choices and actions.

Self-compassion is truly the same thing as self-love. It’s a verb and a CHOICE you have in every single moment of your life.

Yes, even when shit is hitting the fan. Even if your health is not where you want it to be. Or you’re not at the financial level you want to be. Or you’re the chronically single friend who’s unsure you’ll ever find love. Or your life doesn’t resemble what you want it to be… yet.

Life is a continuous spiral. Self-compassion is what allows you to continue to grow along that spiral.

And the more you practice it, the more it compounds — and the easier it becomes to not indulge in negative-shame spirals, which can put you down for days, weeks, or months at a time.

It also just feels better to have someone kind and supportive who is rooting for you on the inside.

So I hope today — not matter where you are, how you’re feeling, or what challenges you’re currently facing — you can be a little softer with yourself. To reach for self-compassion even in the depths of change or uncertainty. I promise it’s waiting for you whenever you need to use it. 🌀

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Thanks for being here! Especially during my seasons of rest and solitude, and when I inevitably return to a season of creative output. I’m currently in my posting-era again, so if there is anything you would specifically want me to write about, please message me here or on IG, or drop a comment below <3 Chiara x