observations after one month at the cafe

mechanics, synchronicities, and realizations.

When I was interviewed in February for this job — or rather, a casual “pre-interview chat” — the lady who sat me down was refreshingly upfront.

“Look, the work is hard, the pay is shit, you’ll have to begin as a dish-pig before we train you as a barista. This gig definitely isn’t for everyone, and we just want to make sure you know all the facts before going forward.”

It was nice to not be sold a fantasy. But it did send my emotional authority into a wave of uncertainty —

do I really want to do this? am I seriously going to hate this job and regret committing to something I might find difficult to get out of?

Despite the real talk, I still felt recognized and vibed with the interviewer (perhaps she is another 3/5, because that blunt honesty was half the appeal of potentially going through with it¹).

As my wave was swirling, I said I needed some time to think about it, to which she replied, “you have my number, you can reach out anytime if you want to give it a go.”

Eight months later, emotional clarity arrived and I hit her up. So here we are.

It was interesting to go into a job with expectations so low, knowing I could potentially hate it, but also knowing if that’s the worst case scenario, I can always leave. No big deal.

And I think in many respects, because the bar was set so low, it’s exceeded my expectations. It’s by far the easiest job I’ve ever had: I like my coworkers, my managers recognize me, and the atmosphere of the place feels exactly like what I needed, a rotating door of strangers I get to make and break bonds with daily.

Of course, it’s only been a month, and I might still be riding the high of a drastic change in my life. A coworker asked me yesterday how I was liking the job and I said all of the above, that actually it’s been far better than what I initially imagined. She said that’s good, because the first month is usually the worst, and if I didn’t find it that bad, it’ll get better from here.

Five years ago I remember saying to myself I would never work retail again (or any customer service role). I am often adamant I’m done with something or someone forever, only to find myself back in the very thing I thought I hated in order to have a completely different experience. There are infinite layers the third line profile can discover by banging into the same thing again and again; I don’t know if we’re ever officially done. We keep popping up like whack-a-moles, returning to the thing like slingshotting elastic bands. We’re a resilient bunch of idiots. We need our material lessons.

I thought I would share a list of miscellaneous observations throughout my first month on the job. Mechanics, synchronicities, and realizations abound!

I am not an introvert, actually

For the last several years I have identified with being an introvert. I declared I hate small talk and meaningless interactions. I prioritized alone time more than anything (or anyone) else. In actuality — I think identifying as an introvert was a cover-up for feeling insecure and socially anxious. The pandemic might have pushed me into this more introverted demeanor, but deep down, I am someone who likes people. I am genuinely curious about others, and I get energy from being around them (lol, undefined sacral).

Turns out, I am great at small talk and I don’t mind it. It is pretty easy to connect with people when you feel secure and confident within yourself. Shame is a prickly thing which tends to make you want to hide and go inwards, a space I have resided in for a long time. This doesn’t mean you’re an introvert. It just means you’re trying to protect yourself from the inherent vulnerability of social interactions.

“what do you do for fun?”

This question along with “what music do you like?” immediately make my mind go blank. What exactly do I do for fun? I post a lot on the internet, which is not exactly something to brag about. I write, which I consider kind-of-fun but it’s not always entirely leisurely. I hike yet only go once every few months when a friend graciously takes me along in their car. I stare at the trees, I lay on the grass, I read books. But usually what comes out of my mouth is a stutter of… “ugh, I actually have no idea”.

As a Receptive mind, whenever someone asks me a question I have to think about — aka, go into my own well and find an answer — I blank. Perhaps it is an Undefined Ajna thing too. When someone asks me about my music taste, I literally forget about every artist I’ve ever listened to and respond with only what I can grab from the top of my mind (my rote answer is currently Charli XCX, which is true, but I don’t only listen to hyperpop doof-doof). It is interesting to notice how much of what I can access is conditioned by the people around me and the questions they ask. I used to feel embarrassed and think I was stupid. Now I find it amusing.

strange synchronicities

A lot of weird synchronicities surrounding my name — one of my first coworkers I met has the exact name I was going to be called before my mum settled on Chiara. There was also one day when I was serving a customer and she jokingly asked if my name was Chiara, and I paused, shocked, as I was getting a cookie out of the pastry case, because I never told her what my name was! Similarly, there was a poetry guy who was hosting an open mic at the cafe, and when we got chatting and I told him my name, he asked if it was Italian. No one in my twenty-seven years has ever guessed correctly that my name is Italian (I never told him how it was spelled).

I have also met a handful of Australians. A regular who was from Aus got talking and I said I was from Sydney, to which he replied “yeah, where from”, to which I said “St. George Area”. Then he proceeded to ask, “what, like Hurstville?” and I don’t know why it was so shocking to hear the suburb Hurstville uttered in this New Mexican town thousands of miles away.

Just yesterday, an older lady walked up to the register and immediately said I have a rainbow aura around me. She asked if I ever had my aura read (I have, several times). Turns out she’s a psychic medium. I go home and ask ChatGPT what it means to have a rainbow aura. Who knows if it’s accurate, it just feels good to be told you have a rainbow aura. I’m choosing to believe this is a symbol I’m in the right place.

the body is resilient

One of the main reasons I was hesitant to get a job — even after secretly desiring one for an entire year — was the conditioning of “Projector’s are not here to work”. Finding out I was a non-energy type was initially revelatory, but after some time, I leaned on it as a crutch. I believed I was incapable of working more than two hours a day because I was afraid I would become exhausted.

The first week was an adjustment. That’s to be understandable when you’ve come from over three years of laying around not doing much. But what I have found over time is that my body has been adapting. I feel less tired in recent weeks as the work becomes familiar and requires less mental bandwidth.

Understanding I’m a Projector is still important and frames how I approach recovery and rest. When I come home from a shift, I often do legs up the wall for 10-15 minutes. I take my days off seriously, and know if I have a longer work week ahead, I’ll prioritize solitude and rest.

I was talking with a friend recently who has also not worked over the last several years, and she was sharing how she’s still felt deeply exhausted during this period of not working. That was the same experience for me — whilst on outward glances, it appears I should have felt rested and replenished after being unemployed for so long, it actually became it’s own version of exhaustion. Feeling constantly ungrounded was just as energy depleting.

The body is resilient, more resilient than we give it credit for. It’s one thing to know the undefined sacral mantra of “know when enough is enough”. It’s another to have the awareness of watching it play out in real time. I wouldn’t say I’m always perfect, but I am better at recognizing my limits.

structured time and creativity

It turns out structured time is actually good for me. When I have a schedule and something to show up for, I use my free time a lot more intentionally. I have found myself naturally writing and creating more even though I am far busier than in the past. Whilst I used to technically have all the time in the world to focus on writing or personal projects, without any structure or schedule, I was less inclined to work on them, instead distracting myself with mindless entertainment. Rest and play are important, but there comes a point where it’s just a method of numbing and avoidance.

A concept I read about in Reality Transurfing is the idea of “excess potential” and the ramifications of “balancing forces”. Essentially, what it means is when we place excess importance onto something — a goal, a person, a situation — you create an imbalance in the energy around you. “Balancing forces” then come in to restore equilibrium. For example, the more you desire something with a sense of desperation, the more you will experience the opposite.

Honestly, I think getting a job has been a way to lessen the importance placed on my creativity and writing. They become something I do for fun instead of taking up my entire life, plus releasing the pressure on them to make me an income. I realize I have done this whole thing backwards — many people start out doing their passion on the side, to eventually leave their job when it can finally support themselves. I decided to ditch the job and do my creativity full time, but because I had all these expectations for it bring me *ultra* success and a living wage, it backfired. There was too much pressure on it.

Life really is about finding your flow… I find that I am most creative when I am engaged in the flow of the life process. You need to learn how to live in order to have something to write about. As a customer said to me recently after I gave him my quick back story — studying media and communications, wanting to write, somehow ending up working at a cafe — he said it sounds absolutely perfect. It’s character building. It’s life enriching. I get to collect stories and experiences I can use later for my writing. It’s still just the beginning; there is time to allow my life to unfold as a late twenty-something without rushing to any particular destination. I await here patiently and with curiosity to see how it plays out. 🌀

1. I just found out that the person who interviewed me is a 5/1 Emotional Projector which a) makes sense why I felt recognized by her and b) is wild how I instinctively knew to initiate and reach out to another Projector. It’s a good reminder that the mechanics are playing out regardless and all we can “do” is cultivate awareness around them.